esper's blog :)

written 2025-07-04 re-posted 2026-03-14

i've been reflecting on the concept of expectation lately. i've been hurt by my expectations in the past many times, and lately i've been discovering that i'm being hurt by them still. what i mean by “expectation” includes the regular expectations and whatnot, the kind that are sometimes not met, causing disappointment; i'm also talking about expectations that something or someone might respond to my actions or words in a particular way, or that they might respond at all; i also mean the expectations that one places upon oneself, the kind that tell me i don't have some skill or ability.

i think All expectation is harmful! i think that expectation (in this sort of very general sense) is very similar to the process of taking something for granted, of assuming something to be inherent or fundamental. i think that All such assumptions are harmful and false. when one expects nothing, everything is a blessing.

this doesn't mean expecting (and/or accepting) neglect or ignorance or any such thing. these, too, should be dealt with as they come. living without expectation means taking one's matters into one's own hands; expect no deus ex machina. there is no way that the world Should be; see things as they are, uncontaminated by expectation and assumption.

i also have been thinking about the phrase, “it's supposed to be good,” lately. what does this phrase Actually mean? does it mean, “i expect to enjoy this, and i will be disappointed otherwise”? when i've said it in the past, i assumed it went no deeper than, “this has a reputation for being good,” but i Always had other assumptions — assumptions like, “i will enjoy this,” and, “not enjoying this popular thing makes me an outlier,” and, “there is shame in being an outlier.” remember this: assumptions are built on assumptions; expectations are built on expectations.

why should i even take others' enjoyment of a Thing into consideration at all? i will never truly enjoy a Thing for as long as i am comparing my experience to those of others, for i will be focusing on the comparison rather than the Thing. i do not have to agree or disagree with popular opinion; there is a middle way, free from the expectation of agreement or disagreement.

anyway, this all comes from me wanting to Slow Down and not really feeling able to. turns out, going slow is actually kinda counter-cultural in our glorious regime, long live the upper class. slowing down is how one Sees, and it would be really bad if people could just See like that. we might have a fucking revolution on our hands or something. good thing.

much love, ~esper

written 2025-06-27 re-posted 2026-03-14

i went for another lil adventure today! this one wasn't nearly as adventurous cause i was a bit in need of rest, lol. i found a nice spot not far from my place and then sat there for a while!!!

this was inspired by my looking through landscape photos earlier today. i realized i needed a PC wallpaper, and lo, i realized i needed a backdrop to my life. i need beautiful vistas in my life!!! there's some nice shit in the world. i want to look at it!!!!! yes i live in a shitty how could you tell

s/shitty/city

anyway, i'm out to walk with a friend now!! here's to more moments of adventure ;)

with love, ~esper

written 2025-06-26 re-posted 2026-03-14

i've been feeling kinda down lately, so yesterday i went on a little adventure around town! i don't often go out on my own, but it was a lot of fun! i'm gonna have to do this sorta thing more often.

i did some walkin and i did some lookin. i went for lunch (after taking way too long to find a cute place to eat xp ) and then stopped at a cafe on the way home to read!!! that's another thing i intend to bring back: reading for fun. like every other audhd (read: heavily traumatized) trans woman, i too miss the book-filled sunny afternoons of my youth.

anyhoo, i didn't even plan to go out for so long. i kinda just took some water and some weed and went exploring! i'm happy to have taken the opportunity to really make it Mean something. :)) so yeah i did a lot of thinkin on my adventure. a lotta reflecting and such. my trauma-healing has been pretty intense lately!, like it feels very “my traumas are laid bare and raw before me” type deal. if ur pickin up what i'm spittin up.

i've started to read sci-fi again! i used to really enjoy the thoughtfulness that went into the elaborate stories and world-building, and i want to learn to enjoy it again in books!!! i've been having no trouble enjoying tv & movies lately, but it's getting weirdly difficult to find shit that Isn't just horribly violent or misogynistic or imperialistic or whatever. no; the real issue is that the tv & movies i've learned to enjoy have Always had these issues, and i can only now see them.

i was about to start ranting about how film is a bad indie medium. what??? no it isn't. indie films are great; i just don't know where to find them!! if You know of any fun pieces of film media...... my contact info is on my homepage ;)

i think what i Meant to rant about was the relative accessibility of literature and words (books, etc) as an artistic medium. there's no big production team or whatever. just regular old Author and Editor puttin letters together for a while. come to think of it, i think i might just be into text generally! no wonder text-based terminal-style computer-use is so appealing to me!! text is such a versatile and accessible medium!!!!

ok i'm gonna go play some vidya games now. until next time...! ~esper